Array of Sunshine

Blog under construction

2012-01-04T00:20:00.001-06:00

Hi Everyone,I just wanted to let you know that I am changing up a few things on my blog. It will be more about my passion of crafts. So stayed tuned. Thank you

Oh the things that I take for granted

2009-11-07T21:04:00.004-06:00

Hello All. Gee, it has been awhile since I have been on here.

Well, since Thanksgiving is coming up I have been really thinking of what I am thankful for. The one that really comes to mind is my health. Why do you ask?? Back when I was 18 I had some issues going on with me and I was scared to say anything. I finally was able to tell my parents what was going on. They had taken me to a doctor in Dallas to see what was going on. Come to find out I had over 500 or so polyps on my colon. The doctor put the x-ray up and I had asked him what those little dots were. He said they were polyps. I had no clue of what he was talking about nor have I ever heard of polyps. Come to find out my Grandfather passed away from Colon Cancer. The doctor told me that if I did not this surgery I could die from Colon Cancer. Being 18 that totally scared me!! My parents were crying and I was not, because I was in shock. So I had my surgery and it was a success. I did not even have a pouch, which I was so happy about. I was in the hospital for a week and I was released on Thanksgiving Day. The recovering was really hard on me, but I made it. Now, I have to go every year for a Upper GI, because I just found out 2 years ago that I have FAP, meaning that I have polyps growing on my small intestine and my stomach. So far all of the polyps that were taken out were non-cancerous. My biggest fear now is, that there is a 50/50 chance I can pass this on the Madison and Brody. They have to get tested when they are teenagers. I try to not worry about it, but it still scares me. With me having FAP and since I do not have a colon there is a very small percentage that I will NOT get cancer, which is a BIG relieve.

I take a lot for granted and I should not being that I am 32 and alive!! Life is a very precious thing and at times I do forget that. I feel like God gave me a second chance at life. He put me on this earth for a reason, I should be really blessed for that!! That is what I am thankful for.

"Thought closet"

2009-09-09T20:51:00.002-05:00

I am in a Ladies class at Church, and the subject that we are going to be talking about is "Me, Myself and Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover". This is the 2nd week of this class, and I am beginning to like it. It really makes you think of how you "talk" to yourself. Tonight's session was "Listening Guide" and all I can say is WOW!! As I sit here and type this, I am "talking" to myself and some are good thoughts and some are bad. I can tell you right now, that I am so hard on myself that is wears on me. I worry about everything, and it may not seem like I am a worry wart, but it is true. With me being in this class, I really want to learn how to tune out the negative thoughts and just think about the postive thoughts. Here is the worksheet that we had to work on:

* We are capable of making it well with our souls based on what we choose to tell ourselves

* We have the potential of saying things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else

* Your thought closet was deisgned to host eternal matters

* The words of your mouth include the ones you speak to your own soul

* The standard for ourself-talk is what is acceptable to God (I have a hard time with this one, because what if my thoughts are not worthy for Him??)

* God is the source and strength for your self-talk

* Every wrong word and every lie that is spoken can be redeemed by God

Here are some bible readings:

Ecclesiastes 3:11
John 10:10
Pslams 19:14 (this verse is the Motto for this whole class)

Then we learned about C-L-O-S-E-T

C- Care and concerns
L- Likes and dislikes
O- Objectives and goals
S- Secrets
E- Eternity (This one is a hard for me. I really want to go here, but am I "worthy" to be here, even though I ask for forgiveness all the time????)
T- Treasures

At the end, we had an open discussion how we talk to ourselves. I did not speak up because I was "talking" to myself saying "Dont say anything, because they might think you are being silly or dont know what you are talking about". My thought closet is in DIRE need of a DEEP clean!! As I stated before I just worry about everything as in, is Madison being taken care of at school, is she making friends, is she making good choices, is she using her manners, is she getting picked on. For Brody it is why does he get into everything, why is he such a Mama's boy, why does he hit and pinch his Sister all the time? Why does he throw fits all the time? With me, it is did I say something wrong to this person because he or she is not talking to me now? I cant believe I cant fit in my clothes that I just bought 4 months ago. Man, I wish I could be that skinny like her. Why do I have to have this much grey hair??

The funny thing is, we all at times think like this, and it is not healthy, because it just tears us down. Instead, we need to focus on what is in front of us and what God gave us. He gave us these special things, obstacles, challenges, blessings for a reason, but we forget about that. We need to take the time and be thankful for what we have in our lives. Dont let Satan win and take over your thought closet, because you have the power to OVER take him!! Let the Lord be your ROCK!!

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight; O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Madison's first day of Kindergarten

2009-08-25T11:29:00.004-05:00

This morning Madison had woken up when her Daddy was up getting ready for work. So, he put her in my bed and tucked her in so she could go back to sleep. Then 45 minutes later my alarm goes off. As I was getting out of bed, all I wanted to do was hold Madison and not let her go, but I decided not to. I woke her up at 6:45 and she said that she did not want to go, and asked how many days will she go to school. Then she said "I wont go to school on the days that start with S, meaning Saturday and Sunday". I told her that she was correct. She finally got out of bed and wanted to get ready, but I told her she had to eat, but she stated that she was not hungry. I told her that she has to at least eat something because school is not like home, where you can eat whenever you want to.

We get to school and she is getting so excited. We get into her classroom, and her teacher greets her, and asks her to find her cubby. This whole time I have so many things going in my head, but I am really holding it together. Then the teacher asked Madison if she brought her lunch or if she will be buying her lunch (By the way, her school lunches are 2.50, that is expensive!! So if you are wanting to add to Madison's school lunch fund, please let me know!! Just kidding). Madison had to move her name on "Brought lunch". Then Madison wanted to see where she sits, and she found her name. Then the first bell rang, and it hit Madison hard that I was about to leave her. She started to cry and I felt so bad, but I had to stay strong. Madison was more worried about me crying and now I am worried about her. The teacher had a helper in the class, and she had seen that Madison was upset and she came over and started playing with Madison. That was my queue to leave. As we were leaving, Brody was saying "Bye bye Sissy" over and over again, and he kept blowing her kisses. It was so cute. I think he was doing this because he knows that he will get all the attention while she is at school. He was waiting for this day to come, :).

After we left school, we went to Mommy and Muffins so we can be with other Mommies. I was doing fine until we had to introduce ourselves (and most of you know that I am very very shy) and talk about our children we dropped off. Right when I said Madison's name, I LOST IT!! I could not even talk anymore, it hit me HARD!!!! I did get a giggle out of it, because Brody is sitting there with his finger to his month, saying "SHHHHH" when I was crying. He can always make me laugh.

As I am blogging, it is very very quiet without Madison here, and this is new to me. She is normally bugging me to eat, or watch a movie or go outside. I am really missing that right about now, but I know I have to keep myself busy for the next 12 YEARS, ;). I cant wait to pick her up to see how her day was and what all she learned. I emailed her teacher and asked about being a Room Mother, I would love to do that.

As I end, all I can say is, be strong and let your child know how much you love them, because they grow up so fast. Yes they may drive you nuts, but they are just kids and want your attention. They just want to be loved and want to know that you are proud of them!!!

Have a GREAT school year!!!

To say or not say, that is the question?

2009-08-22T16:05:00.003-05:00

Question of the day: What do you do when something is so mentally draining that it totally overtakes you, and you are scared of the outcome?? And, not to mention it is hurting innocent people. Do you just lay it all out and not care about the outcome, or do we protect the "innocent", when they are honestly not innocent and just live with this "secret"???? I am sure we all have been here a time or two, but what is the answer?? What if your heart says one thing and your head says another?? What about all the anger that you may have towards this person or persons, because once you say something to them, they may never forgive for it?? But if you know in your heart you are right, they what do you have to lose?? If you did not care, they you would just walk away and act like nothing happened. But in reality something DID happen and you just cant walk away from this because you know that there are people hurting because of this issue. WHAT IS THE ANSWER???? Do you ruin a friendship/sisterhood if you confront this person?? What if you just dont care and you are just tired of this person playing the "victim", when they are the one causing all the drama and grief?? Or what if you do confront this person and you are just talking to a brick wall??? I know, I know we cant live on "what if's", but you have so many scenarios running in your head, that is just over takes you, plus you are just tired of being so mad and angry!!! You are just really hurting for the person that this is directed towards, and you just want to "fix" this so this person wont be "branded" for the rest of his/her life. This person deserves a chance to be heard, because there is only 1 side being told, and the saying goes: There are ALWAYS 2 sides to a story. But you know that there is only 1 person listening to him/her, and no one else will hear him/her out. The sad thing is, the person that is playing the "victim" always, always stretches the truth and you know this person more than anyone else.

The sad thing is, this should not be a debate, you should by now, know the answer. The person causing this grief to this other person should be confronted no matter what. The person hurting has EVERY right to live a happy life. All I can say is, this person needs to realize how much damage they have already done!!!

To my Dearest Madison

2009-08-18T12:45:00.004-05:00

This letter is for Madison since she will be starting Kindergarten on August 25, 2009

My Dear Madison (Baby Girl)

In 7 days you will start your first day of Kindergarten. You have been waiting a long time for this day, and it will soon be here. You're already telling me what to make for your lunch or asking what is on the school menu. You have your pack back ready and you are wanting to pick an outfit out for the first day. You keep telling me that it is going to be ok and that I will be sad, but you keep reassuring me that you will be fine in school. I know you will be fine, but I dont know how I will be that day. I know I will have a hard time leaving you until 3:00, in a Mommy's world, that is a VERY long time. See, as I am writing you this letter, I am crying. I just cant believe how fast you grew up. I know that you will do awesome in school and you will have a lot of friends, because you are our social butterfly!! You will blow the teacher out of the water because of how well you can read and how much you "soak" up !! I just hope that you will use what we taught you. If someone picks on you, walk away and be the bigger person. If someone hits you, walk away, tell the teacher. If someone is mean to you, kill them with kindness. Worry about Madison and Madison only. Give it your all in school. If you are not winning, dont give up or get mad, you are learning a lesson. Try, try, try again and again!! Ask your teacher for help.

I just hope when this day comes, and it is coming fast, that you will not get upset when you see me cry. I will try my hardest not to cry, but I cant promise anything!! It is going to be a happy/sad cry. I promise I wont make a scene, but I know I wont be the only Mommy crying on that day!!

Baby Girl, you are so full of life. Your teacher and your friends will see just how special you are. You have a heart of gold and dont let ANYONE take that away. We are so proud of you!! So here is to you Madison Kathleen, to the little girl turning into a BIG GIRL that is starting a journey of learning all that she can!! We love you so so so much!! You have a very special place in my heart as well as Daddy's heart. Give it your all Sister Bear!!!!

We love you so much!!
Hugs and kisses!!

Mommy & Daddy

Reality bites

2009-08-04T09:08:00.003-05:00

Why do some people focus on the negative so much and not see what is in front of them, meaning the positive picture. I can speak for myself that I am at fault for not seeing the positive side, because I am too focused on changing someone else than myself. Yes, we lean to our friends for advice and maybe sometimes that advice is not always the answer. I am learning (some of you may think this is a silly statement) to go to the person that you have a problem with, but for me, that is WAY easier said than done. It is going to take baby steps for me. I am slowly getting a back bone, because I dislike confronting someone, so yes, you can call me a "welcome mat". I know at times when a friend comes to you and needs advice, we automatically takes sides and are judgemental. Really, I feel we should listen and understand what they are saying before we place a target on the person they are talking about (I hope that makes sense). We need to know our boundaries with our friends, because if we don't then that can really hurt the friendship. At times our friends tell us things that we do not like because the truth hurts. So what does that mean, change a negative into a positive, dont let the negative thoughts take over and "ruin" you. You cant let the devil win, because he thrives on negative thoughts. At times, I was too focused on the negative thoughts and I had all this anger and bitterness built up to where I just exploded. I wanted to change this person so bad and it was not working, it was just working against me, and I blew up!! Now, I can see that I can only change myself, and with me changing that might change the other person. I no longer have this anger or bitterness towards this person, but I do have A LOT of guilt that I am dealing with. No this person is not perfect, nor will this person ever be perfect, but this person has feelings and emotions just like me. I think that I just got wrapped up with all these negative emotions because some things were not going my way and I lost that control.

When we went to Church last Sunday, the sermon was about "Living the Good life" and it really hit home with me (but all of Karl's sermon's are wonderful and meaningful). But there were a few things that stood out for me and some of them were:

Christianity is not an escape from reality - it is a way of dealing with reality in the best way possible.
It is NOT a promise that nothing bad or unpleasant will ever come your way. Life in this world includes challenges, pains, and problems because:
A. Satan wants to defeat you; he wants to cripple and destroy your faith. He will stop at nothing to break your spirit.
B. God wants you to grow stronger.

All I can do now is move forward and stay focus on the positive side. God knows I am not perfect, but he knows my heart and he knows that I am trying.

All I need

2009-07-29T12:24:00.003-05:00

This passed month has not been easy at all on my family nor myself. I know I posted a blog about being the Spiritual Mom/Wife, that I needed to set the example for my kids. Well, I can tell you it has not been easy, have I been doing it, No. I am not going to sit here and make excuses of why I have not, because I am ashamed. Some make think words are cheap, but in all honesty, the REAL reason I post some honest blogs, is because this is what I want to become!! I am sure you are asking yourself "Well, why cant you live up to what you want to be". And my answer is, "I dont know, I feel at times that I am not good enough and I just give up". But I know God has not giving up on me, so why should I give up on myself?? I also feel at times I "lost" my faith and I just want to give up on myself. I say this because yesterday was the worst day of my life!!! I am not going into detail, but I wanted to give up and just run!! I just wanted to run from everything that was hitting me all at once and I could not take the pain anymore. I tried to keep my head held up high, but in all honesty I brought most of this upon myself. I had so much anger and bitterness, all I could do was just yell!! The real reason I did not run is because I need to face my fears and problems. They are not going away over night and I cant change over night either. Another reason I did not run, is because my 3 Angels need their Mommy. I just look at them, and all I see is 3 innocent children that just need love!!!

As of today, I am taking baby steps. This house needs to become a home for all of us. It needs to be filled with love, happiness, joy, understanding and patitence. We need to leave the bitterness, anger, yelling, immaturity, jealously at the door. My family has "drifted" apart, but it is mine job as well as Travis to bring us back together. I have one family and it hurts so bad to see us this way. How can we be so "blind"?? But all I can say is, I have to focus on chaging me in order to see a change in my kids and Travis. I probably shared too much, but it feels good to know that I am not perfect and that I do make mistakes, but that I can pick myself up and say "It is time to put my big girl panties on and give it my all". It is time for me to step up and take the responsibility that God blessed me with. As I close, just remember that someone you know is "fighting" a battle and they just need guidance, understanding and a friend, dont turn away.

Kindergarten Blues

2009-07-26T14:50:00.005-05:00

Madison keeps asking me when is she going to start Kindergarden, and I keep telling her in a few weeks. She said the other day that she wishes she was at school. When she talks about school, I have mixed emotions and all these thoughts cross my mind, for example, will she be okay, will she be picked on, will she be able to stick up for herself, will she eat enough (most of you know about how she eats), will she be the class clown, will she know right from wrong??? I know, I know, I am a "worry wart" but this is her first year of school. She already told me that it is going to be okay and that it is okay if I cry. She just wants me to drop her off at the door and than go. But I know her, she will want me to walk with her to the classroom, and that is fine with me. I just want her to be safe, but she does adapt well, and makes friends rather easy. I even bought her Hello Kitty back pack and lunch bag, and she is just ready to go, but am I ready to let go?? I just want to be at ease and have a piece of mind that she will be ok and that she will be taken care of, but dont we all?? So, this is where baby steps come in, I just have to trust in God that everything will be okay, and that she will be fine. Besides this is way harder on me than her, or even her Daddy. Even with me typing this blog, I have a lump in my throat and I am getting teary eyed. But this too shall pass. The sad thing is, school is another month from now, and than reality is really going to set in. What am I going to do when she is at school?? I will have Brody and we will have a stronger bond, but then I am going to feel gulity because Madison is not with us. See, for some reason this is really hard on me, and I know I am not the only one. I know how smart she is, I know she will make friends in a heart beat, I know she will give it her all, I know she will have fun, but I just want her to know that her Daddy and I are very proud of her. I wish this was easy, but it is not. So as I end, my Husband's Cousin Darcy, bought Madison the book, "The night before Kindergarten" which I am going to read to her. I am hoping I can make it through the book without crying. But what can I say, this is why God made Mommies!!!

Brody's love for his Pappy

2009-07-23T19:27:00.008-05:00

When Brody was born and he met his Pappy for the first time, they had this speical connection that I can not explain. Pappy holds a speical place in his heart for Brody, but dont get me wrong, he loves and adores his other Grandbabies. When I ask Brody if he wants to see Memaw and Pappy, he says "Pappy or Pappy's truck". Pappy will take Brody on a "special" ride in his truck, they will have drink time together, or Pappy will sit on the bench with Brody and just hear him talk. I dont know what it is, but Brody adores his Pappy and Pappy adores his Brody. Everytime we are out and Brody sees a black Ford pick up, Brody always says "Pappy's truck". Just like today, we went to Pappy's house, (it is no longer Memaw and Pappy's house, it is just Pappy's house) I took Brody out of the van and Brody was walking up the drive way saying, "Hi Pappy, Hi Pappy, Hi Pappy", just over and over again. He loves to call his Pappy just to say "Hi Pappy". I am telling you Brody loves his Pappy and it really makes my heart melt for the love that they have for each other.

This is Pappy's chair and Pappy's remote.

They are feeding each other

Play time

2 peas in a pod that have a very special connection

Brody loves wearing Pappy's hats

Playing in the water, and Brody loves splashing his Pappy

As you can tell, Brody has so much love for his Pappy. I am just glad that they both have each other. We love you Pappy.

Everday rut

2009-07-17T21:13:00.004-05:00

Do you ever feel sometimes you do the same thing but different day, kind of like the movie Ground Hog Day??? I get up in the morning give the kids breakfast, than 10minutes later (or it feels that way), I am right back in the kitchen making lunch, than put Brody down for a nap, watch my one soap and than 15 minutes (as I stated before, it feels that way) I am right back in the kitchen making supper with 2 kids underneath my feet stating they are hungry while they have a snack in their hand. At times I just want scream "Calgon take me away", but this is way God made Mommies!! Yes my kids stress me out, if I say they didn't, they I would be lying. Yes they want me to watch them do the same trick over and over again. Yes they want to tell me the same thing more than once, but they are just innocent children wanting to make me happy. Do you just ever feel overwhelmed with fear, joy, happiness, sadness, frustration?? I am learning that to have these feelings, it really is ok, because I am not perfect, I am going to have my good and bad days, and sometimes more bad days than good, but I know God is telling me that it is going to be okay. At times when the kids are in bed, I will think about what I could of done differently that day, but I cant not live on "what if's" and there is always the next day. I can always make the next day better as long as I put my best foot foward. My children will only have 1 Mommy and I just want them to be proud of me at the end of the day, everday, even on my bad day(s).

That little thing we called STRESS!!

2009-07-16T13:03:00.003-05:00

The thought of going to back to work fulltime has been really, REALLY, weighing me down. When I was working fulltime, yes we did struggle but not like this. I mean we can get by with Travis' income, but at times there is not enough left over to do something fun with the kids. At times we have to depend on the "devil" meaning the credit card. We have more than what I want on there and it really wears on me, and I am surprised I am not 9 feet under, because it is that bad. I look at Travis and he is just one of those "go with the flow" kind of guys and it kills me, because I would love to be like that. I know God wont give me more than I can handle, but lately it has been a little overwhelming. I just wish I could snap and all of this would be gone, but dont we all. Maybe I just need a day by myself so that I can clear my head. Maybe I just need adult time once in awhile, meaning having a date night or a girls night. Maybe I just miss the adult interaction or maybe it is just guilt that I cant give my kids what they need. But in all honesty, they just want a Mommy who is not so on the edge all the time, they just want to see me be happy. As you can tell, as I stated before, I DISLIKE money. I let it overcome me and that really makes me mad. So now I have to answer the question: Do I need to go back to work? Will I find a job that has family values and where my kids come first (thanks Amy Smith for that advice), or should I continue being the Spiritual Mommy that I am trying to be with my kids, and just give it to God?? I have full faith in God that he will take care of us, but I just dont know what path he wants me to go down.

To be or not to be

2009-07-14T18:44:00.004-05:00

I am not going to sit here and lie, but I do not like being stressed out over things I can not control. The biggest one for me is our bills, we do not live out of our means nor do we try to. We dont have that much of debt, but if you know me, I dislike debt. I have always disliked money, because it gets you in so much trouble. I do not know why I let the stress take over or let it destroy me. This started when I got married but it started getting really bad when I quit my job to be a stay at home Mommy. I have told Travis over and over again, that I will go back to work so we can have the second income. But in reality I dont think I can find a job that pays what I used to make, because I dont want to work for just daycare and to put gas in my car. Dont get me wrong, I like staying at home, because I enjoy cooking, being with the kids, and not answering to anyone (like a Boss). But the stress is very overwhelming for me and I am letting it take control over me. Travis has a wonderful job and in fact just received a promotion, so that means he will work way longer hours, which in a way is good and bad. But I dont understand why I am having such a hard time dealing with the stress of money or why it affects my realtionship with Travis. I look at my kids and pray that they will not go through this when they get older. I pray all the time to let the Lord take this burden off of me, but it is still there. I feel that this will make me stronger one day, but when will that one day be?? What more can I do??

Why

2009-07-13T14:27:00.005-05:00

Why is it so hard for us to say sorry, when we know in our heart that we are wrong? Why do we take people for granted? Why do we take more than what we are given? Why do we find reasons just to start a fight with our Spouse? Why do find temptation so easy and not turn away? Why do we tell our kids "Because I said so" when all they need is a explanation? Why do we live on the "what if's", when we should just be living in the moment and just enjoy life? Why is it easier to see the speck in someone else's eye, than our own? Why is so hard for some people to be themselves around others? Why does everything have to be a competition? Why is it so hard to talk about our Lord with others? Why is it so hard to stand up for what you believe in? Why do we have to watch what we say if it is something that we feel is right? Why is it so had to respect each other? Why do some find it hard to pray in front of others? Why is it hard to let someone know that you are proud of them? Why is it hard to say I love you, just because? Why do we at times, put our kids on the "back" burner"? Why are we so selfish? Why are we so greedy? Why cant we just enjoy the things we have? Why do we have to keep up with the Jones'? Why cant we just be content? Why is it that some find it hard to trust in the Lord?? I can tell you why, they have turned away from the Lord and "closed" their heart to him. Madison asked me the other day, "How come when I talk to God, he does not talk back"?? I told her, that she needs to listen with her heart, because that is where he lives in her. Why do we need to believe, because the Lord is the ONE that believes in us and shows us His love. We need to return the favor, because He is the Mighty One!!! Without him, we are nothing.

Motherhood

2009-07-09T20:53:00.003-05:00

As some of you know, I am a Step-Mom to Johnathan who is 12. We have been in each other's lives for 10 1/2 years, he was 2 1/2 and I was 21. I can tell you right now, it is not easy being a Parent, but being a Step-Parent (I think) is much harder, because for one, it is not a born love, it is a introduced love. It was a big transition for myself and Johnathan when Travis and I got married, because now I was some what responsible for taking care of him when it was our weekend. That in a way scared me, because it was so new to me and to him. I can tell you right now being in the middle or not having say so, that was very hard for me, because in a way, I help raise him, provide a roof for him, and so on. Dont get me wrong, I love him as my child and he is a good kid.

Now that he is 12, he is going through that wonderful stage of PRE-TEEN!!! Oh, trust me, I was not an angel by any means when I was his age. But anyway, now that he is older, he tends to be the "parent" and not the child that he needs to be. He also is going through that no so fun stage of talking back. I know he is just being a kid, but at the same time, he needs to know that he is not in control of this home. We tend to have moments with each other, and I feel that I am destroying our relationship, because we butt heads so much. I know with Madison and Johnathan, they are typical Brother and Sister, but they fight none stop. I know that they dont get to see each other everyday, but every other weekend, and it is hard on them. I just feel that it is a war zone everytime we all are together and I dont understand. It is like they are both fighthing for the attention that they think they are not getting, but they are. Madison just starting going through this phase of spitting when she is mad, and I dont get it. She is only like this when she is around Johnathan. I know they love each other, because sometimes out of no where, (like today) Madison had told Johnathan that she loves him, and he said it back, and it made me feel so good. Then 5 minutes later, they are at each other throats??? I dont understand. Is she being this way, because she is wanting the attention since Johnathan is over?? Is Johnathan fighthing for the attention that he feels that he is not getting because we dont see him as often??? There have been so many times where I have to give myself timeouts with the kids. I love them dearly and they are not going to be perfect and they are going to be kids, make mistakes, have disagreements, but everytime they are together?? I dont know what else to do.

Bedtime Prayers/My Angel

2009-07-08T22:06:00.005-05:00

As I had said before I am trying to become the Spiritual Mother that I need to be. So tonight before the kids went to bed, I read them a memory verse. It is as follows: "If someone does wrong to you, do not pay him back by doing wrong to him". I told Madison that if Johnathan did something to her or vice versa, that does not mean to do it back. You need to walk away and cool down and then you need to work it out nicely. She than said "Well if Brody took my baby doll, to not take it away, but to come tell you". I said "Yes". Then after that they said their bedtime prayers, and it was so cute for Madison. She said "Lord, thank you for this day, thank you for my Mommy and Daddy, my Brothers, and if my Mommy tells me not to go in the swimming pool, but I do anyway, it was just an accident and it is ok. What can I say, she is my Angel. I always told Travis, no matter how upset I can get with her, she is my reason she got me to go church. Even when she was going with the Kvalheims (before we became members), she loved going. I would put her clothes out the night before and there were times where she would get dressed and sleep in her clothes, and the next morning she would wake me up so she can go to church with them. She never understood why we did not go as a family, and that is not right for her to go through. So when we started going as a family she was "Miss Popular" and everyone loved her. We were known as "Madison's parents", we werent called Katie or Travis, just Madison's parents. It was so heart warming that so many people loved my child, but at the same time it was sad because I was not being the Spiritual Leader I needed to be. I know I cant change the past, but I can make a difference now. We are not going to be that "perfect" family, but I want to be a strong, spiritual family that can make a difference. I even wrote a list of quotes for my children and here are a few:

No matter what you do, do it to Glorify God

Be what God made you to be

Never let anger get in your way, because you will not accomplish anything. All it does is destroy that path you are on

Always, always, have God in your heart and NEVER let the devil in

Never let anyone destroy your character

Some of these I have a hard time with, but with my family growing closer to the Lord, we can do this. I just want my kids to learn from us because we are the ones that they look up to.

Oh just a side note, another reason Madison is my Angel, I was baptized on her Birthday, March 1 2009. Since she was the one that taught me a lesson about going to church, I wanted to let her know that she did make a difference in my life. God really knew what he was doing when she came into our lives!! I would be so lost without her, because she is such an inspiration to me. Dont get me wrong, I love all my kids with all my heart, but Madison is one that "pushed" me to go to church.

Madison's love for food

2009-07-07T21:48:00.003-05:00

Madison is my 5 year old, going on 15 social butterfly who loves to eat (every 5 minutes). Just tonight for dinner, she had 4 chicken nuggets, chicken spaghetti and butter noodles. Then 5 minutes later she was eating Brody's noodles. The thing with Madison that I cant seem to figure out, is why she never gets full?? At times, her eating habits are terrible, and other times, they are great, but it never fails, she eats all the time, and it is so frustrating. I at one point called her Doctor to see if she could have a worm because of how often she ate. The nurse kind of laughed at me, but I was serious. I dont get why she eats all the time, and you cant tell she does. I dont know if half the time she is bored, or she just has a very high metabolism, or if I should get her checked out, but I dont want the doctors to think that I am crazy for this. There has been times where she sneaks to get food, and she will hide the wrappers. I dont get that either, why she sneaks to get food?? It is not like I am not going to feed her. There was one time when she was at Summer's that she got into her pantry and sneaked a snack for herself. I dont understand?? When I had taken her for Kindergarten round-up the first thing she asked was "Where is the Cafeteria?" Ok, what 5 year old asks that kind of question??? With her starting school next month, I am scared, because of how often she eats. Do I pack a whole pack back with healthy snacks, or just make her a HUGE lunch?? I am stuck of what to do?? Any suggestions would be great!!

Ready, set, I am so ready for this

2009-07-06T14:59:00.003-05:00

As I am sitting here typing my blog, I am wondering when everything will be back to "normal" for me. I try to stay strong for myself, my family and friends, but I let this "thing" I have get the best of me. Why, Why do I?? I hate being this negative on just about all my blogs, and please don't let that turn you away, but I am fighting a huge "battle" and I need strength, but most of all SUPPORT!! I know God is on my side, but at times I feel stuck and I do not know what to do. I try to reach out to Travis, but it is hard for me because I keep my thoughts to myself, and I do not let anyone in. I hate telling anyone my problems, because I dont want to bring them down or think bad of me. I know 2 of my friends have been there for me a lot, but I feel like a broken record, because it is the samething most of the time. I know they are supporting me, but I feel that I burden them or "waste" their time, because in all honesty they have their own problems to deal with, why do they need more??

Anyway, I go back to the doctor this Wednesday and I am so ready for this. Ready for some answers, ready for some "relieve", ready to start my new journey on helping myself. I wish I could tell you what is going on, but I am not at the point yet. I still have a hard time talking about it, because of how long I had to deal with it. I just want this HUGE "chip" taken off my shoulder so I can live the life I want and to be happy. I just want to be "FREE" because I have the right to be happy, and so does my family. Ready, set, Lord please be with me and my family during this time. I need peace just as well as my family!!

Brody's first fat lip

2009-06-29T19:55:00.009-05:00

Last night was not a good night in the Dodd's home. I was on the computer when all of a sudden I heard Madison saying "I did not do it, I did not do it". I get up fron the computer to see what was going on. Then Brody comes out screaming and crying with blood coming out of his mouth. I had asked Madison what happened, and she did not say, she just mumbled something. I had asked her again, and she did the same thing. At this point I was getting upset because Brody is crying with blood coming out of his mouth and Madison wont tell me what happened. As we were cleaning Brody, at first we thought he just bit his lip, or the side of his cheek, but then we noticed the blood coming from his top teeth. The blood would not stop, it was just like a flowing river. I have to say that I did not "freak" out, and I stayed calm, because Brody was just in pain. As I went into Madison's room, she had showed me where he hit his mouth. I was in shock because his teeth marks are on the window sill, all 4 of them. I know you cant see them very well, but they are there!!

This is him about 1 hour after it happend, and with Mortin. For some reason, Mortin makes him act "funny".

Travis called our dentist because we did not know what to do. So he came out and looked at Brody's teeth. Well, when the dentist put the mask on, Brody totally flipped out. Travis had to hold his arms down and I had to hold his legs down. The dentist looked at his teeth and Brody even let him touch his teeth. The dentist said that his teeth are not loose, but they were pushed back and up into his gums. I asked if this would affect his adult teeth and he said "no", which I was so happy to hear. He wants Brody to come in for an x-ray in a few weeks, to make sure that there is not damage to his gums. I am praying that there is not anything wrong, and that in time, his teeth will be pushed back (which the dentist said his teeth will be back to normal, it is just going to take time). He also said that if everything is ok with the x-ray and by chance his teeth turn grey, dont rush and get them capped, because he is just going to loose them anyway. I pray that all goes well. I dont know if someone of you know, but Madison has a cap on her front tooth because she killed a nerve, and had to get a baby root canal so her adult tooth would be ok. I hope this is not the case with Brody, because that crown was not cheap for Madison. So anyway, Memaw wanted to come and see her grandson, so she can give him some hugs and sugars, and he adores his Memaw to pieces!!!! After she left we felt it was ok to put him to bed, because he was beyond tired. He had an ok night, up and down a few times, but I knew that was coming. This morning I went to get him out of his bed, and his lip is so fat. He looks like he has a baby duck lip.

This is him this morning eating his breakfast

But he ate 3 bowls of cereal and has been drinking out his sippy cip like a champ. He is his "normal" self, but at times he will come to me and say "Mommy, owie!!" I have to say that I have a very strong, "I get over it fast" baby boy!!

Oh, this picture is from this evening. I think he is going to have this fat lip for awhile. I feel so bad for him, but it does not seem to bother him.

I pray for no more accidents, but Brody has his Daddy's accident gene!! But Brody is all boy and gets over things really fast. So I pray that this to shall pass!!

My Faith/My God

2009-06-28T14:29:00.010-05:00

I have been thinking and thinking of what to blog about, and the only thing that I can think of is my Faith and my God. With that being said, I went to the doctor the other day and I found out something that I am not ready to swallow. I am not going to say what I have, but I can tell you that I am not dying. I have been struggling with this for a long time and that I am learning that I am not alone. We were talking about in Bible class what you scarifice?? I did not answer because I did not know how to answer. I still dont know how to answer that one, maybe it is because I had to scarifice a lot that was taken away from me. But I know in my heart that God and my Faith will NEVER be taken away from me. God wont give you what you cant handle (I hope I said that right), and I am learning how to handle all of this, but it is going to take time. I cant change over night, I can only take baby steps. For me, blogging is a type of therapy, I can express what I feel, and I dont get any "reaction" back from it. I know that this new journey I am about to embark on is only going to help me and make me a stronger person, and I know God is going to be with me on this journey too!! Yes I am going to fail and there are going to be times I want to give up, but with the support that I have and with God on my side, anything is possible and I am not a quitter. With that being said, "Let the games begin".

Oh, a little shout out to my Granny Dodd. Thank you so much for reading my blog. When Pappy told me about you reading it, I was so happy. We sure do miss you and we send our kisses and hugs. I have to show a picture of you, so everyone can see Granny Dodd and how beautiful you are!! We love you!!

I know this picture was when Madison was 3, but you still look as beautiful as ever!!

The blame game/change of heart??

2009-06-20T21:30:00.005-05:00

Ok God gave me 3 wonderful, very different, loving kids. So what is the problem, the problem is that 2 of the 3 are getting to the age of talking back and being stubborn. One is teaching the other and the other one is learning how to be just like the other. At times, I dont have a clue of what to do?? Do I scream and pull my hair out or do I just say in a calm, gentle voice, "please don't disrespect me", or "go sit on your bed until your Dad gets home"? But why is it that my kids respect their Dad and not me?? Is it because I am at home with them all day, I do give them ALL the attention they need, but I do at times get irritated with them, but who doesn't?? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids to pieces, but I just need to vent and get this out. Yes, this may not be something to share, but I know that I am not the only one going through this. I am not saying that I want "perfect" kids, that is far what I want, I just want the respect that I think I deserve. My kids are not going without, they are loved by both parents, but sometimes I dont feel that is enough. Maybe I am the one with the gulit, because sometimes I dont let the "little" things go by, or I should of done this instead of that. And I know that I can not live on the "what if's". I guess it is me blaming myself because I can be a better Mommy, but I let the best get to me. But it all falls to respect, for myself, for my kids and for my husband. And to get respect you have to earn it, and maybe I am not earning it the "right" way with my kids. Yes, my kids are going to make mistakes, yes my kids are going to make their own decisions (and sometimes they are not going to be good ones), yes my kids are going to get their heart broken, yes my kids are going to have a fight with their best friend, and I want to be there for them when they need a loving hand and when they fail. But who is there when I FAIL??? I know this is a lot to share with you, but this is coming straight from my heart and has eating at me. Maybe I am the one that needs a "change" of heart.

Food for thought

2009-06-13T14:33:00.005-05:00

I just watched a video of a 37 year old Mommy who is dying of cancer. She mentioned in her video of things she should of done different after she found out that she had this awful sickness. But as I was cleaning my house, my mind started to wander, what if that was me. Than I started thinking, why do WE always think that way when something "Bad" happens to us, we live on the "what if's"?? Why cant we live NOT on the "what if's", but live life for God, for our family, for our children, for our husbands/wives??? I dont want to sit here and say I challenge you, because it should not be a challenge, it should be automatic. I know I sound like I am the pot, but maybe with me watching that video, it was God's way of showing me how to live life for my kids, my family and friends and my husband. For me, I have been putting my kids on the back burner because I have "other things" to do, as in reading my email, finishing my blog and clean house, but why should I punish them for silly things that I want to do. There is no "I" in team and it is not about me, me, me!! But in reality, I can always do those things when they are asleep, and just enjoy being with them. I shoud not sweat the small things, but enjoy the moment. My house will always need cleaning, there always be laundry to do and so on, but spend your time with the ones you love. Yes there are going to be things that your kids want you to do and you dont like it, but you know what, do it because they are wanting to spend time with you, and that goes a long way. They are not going to be little forever, cherish each moment you have with them. I guess I am writing this blog, because I am so guilty of "ingoring" my kids needs/wants. It is time for me to turn over a new leave and start living my life for God and for my family and friends. Dont let the devil take away what you most enjoy in life, because you have a purpose in life. Make each and everyday the best, yes, I know there are going to be challenges that get in the way, but dont let them overcome you, let it make you stronger. I hope by you reading this, it has opened up your heart just a little and I have changed your life a little. But I know it is going to change my life, because this is what I needed. See God is great and awesome. Just open your heart and let him in, and anything is possible.

Becoming the Spiritual Mother/Wife I need to be

2009-06-11T12:11:00.004-05:00

I have been really, really thinking about this lately, because it has been eating at me. I want to be the Spiritual Mother I need to be, but for some reason I find it hard at times. I dont know why I find it hard at times, because it should be easy. I am not saying I want to be perfect by any means, but I want to overcome these mountains that I am struggling with. We just became memebers to our Church on Madison's birthday, March 1, 2009. The kids love going to church and so do we, but I want to get more out of it. Meaning, I want to know more about the Bible, more about becoming the Spiritual Mother/Wife I need to be and for my kids to follow my footsteps. I find it so hard at times because I feel that I have failed myself, failed my kids and failed God. I know I try but I dont try hard enough. I know it sounds like I am hard on myself, but I have always been that way. I dont do things half way, and if I do, I feel like a failure. I would really like to join a Bible study class, and to know the Bible better. We had a Bible study with our Preacher's Wife and that was great, but I need more of it. I want that challenge, so I can push myself to become what God made me to be. I know I need to pray more, and one of my friend's said "you to need to be specific when you pray", and I know God knows my heart and knows what I am thinking, but he needs to hear it from me. Yes, I am going to fall, but he will help me get right back up. I think I am writing this because I dont have all the faith in God that I should have. He wont let us take on more than what we can handle, but at the same time, how much more can he give me. I worry about being a stay at home Mom, not having that second income, paying our bills, getting groceries, and it eats at me, and I stress out. I have given it to God, but why are my worries still here?? I trust God with all my heart, but I would love for Him to take the stress away. Why should I doubt Him, he is the one that died for us. He is the ONE in control and not me. But why am I having such a hard time with this?? Is it the fear of letting go of the control on my part, or what?? But I really, really need to pray about it so that I can begin my healing and I can become what God made me to be.

Telegraph, telephone, TeleMadison

2009-06-11T11:55:00.005-05:00

Madison came to me yesterday and had asked if she could call her Memaw & Pappy. Well, as normal, I was in the middle of something and I told her we could call them later. Well, later went into 5 hours, because I had forgotten. So she snuck in my room, got the phone and called her Pappy. I was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner, and Travis was at the dinner table. We kept hearing Brody say, "Pappy, Pappy's truck" and he kept repeating it. I told Travis, "Brody sure does love his Pappy". But the thing we did not know was that he was actually talking to his Pappy on the phone. Madison walked in the kitchen and asked her Daddy if she would like to speak to Pappy, and Travis was thinking she was using her play phone. Yea, that was not the case, she gave him the real phone and said Pappy is on the phone. There is no telling how long Madison and her Pappy were talking, but that does not matter, it was just cute that she called herself. When Travis hung up the phone, Madison was mad because she said "Daddy, I was calling to talk to Memaw and you did not give the phone back to me". Travis told her to call back and that is exactly what she did. But they LOVE their Pappy & Memaw. If they could be over there everyday, they would!!!

And the award for the most loudest scream goes to.... Madison

2009-06-10T15:56:00.005-05:00

So today was day 2 of swim lessons, and she did great (I think it is because her boyfriend Conner was there, that has some to do with it). But it NEVER fails, when we get there, she tells me she has to go potty. I have never seen a child use the bathroom so much. As we were leaving swim lessons, I rolled the windows because it was so nice outside and all of a sudden Madison started to scream. She was sreaming so loud that no one, I mean no one turned their head, and all I was doing was laughing because a wasp flew in the van and than out and than back in. So everytime it flew back in she would scream louder and cry even more. Oh this happened for about 5 minutes. She finally calmed down and told me that it was not my fault and to not tell her Daddy. I told her I was sorry that I laughed at her, but it was funny. Brody was just sitting in his carseat, just looking at Madison like she was silly. I had to call Travis to tell him what happened, but he did not laugh as much. Well have a wonderful day.

Brain freeze

2009-06-09T19:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have found that I enjoy blogging. In a way it is very relaxing for me. Anyways, so I gave my kids a popsicle and they loved it, but I did not love cleaning up the mess. I am a neat freak and clean freak, and it drives Travis crazy, but that is a whole other blog story.

So, they enjoyed the popsicles and I enjoyed taking pictures of them eating. Well, it took Brody about 10 minutes to finish his but most of it was all over him, but he hated being sticky. So he threw the biggest fit because of him being dirty. Travis gave him a bath and he was a happy camper. Travis said that Brody is in need of a haircut, but I dont think so. I just love his curls, and dont want to cut them off.

Ok, so I am learning how to post my pictures, but as you can see I am not very good with it.

Swim lessons and 2 year check up

2009-06-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Madison had her swim lessons today, and we had talked before she went about putting her head under water. Well, she told me she would and I did not want to push the issue, but at the same time, I wanted her to be in level II (but I did not let her know that). Well, she went into the water with the other kids, she then started putting water on her head and then she put her face in the water. I was happy with that because before she would not do that. Well, it was at the end of swim lessons, and they always do ring around the rosey and blow bubbles. I was watching and the first time they sang the song, she did not do anything. The second time, she put HER WHOLE HEAD under water!!! I was so proud of her that I started crying. As she was coming out of the water, she told me, "I did fantastic Mommy, didnt I". I told her she did awesome as I was wiping tears off my face. That really made my day!!!

Then we had to take Brody to his 2 year old appt. today and I hate the fact that he will get shots!! Well, they measured him and he was 33 inches and weighed 29 pounds. The doctor said he was 25% for his height, which that is hard to believe, but I am not a doctor. He is 55% for his weight, which the boy has not gained anything since December, that is how ACTIVE he is, plus it is great exercise for me!! He ended up getting 1 shot today, but he was pricked 2 times because he moved his leg, which made him really, really mad. But all in all, he is just a healthy baby boy.

This is my first time to blog and this is really cool. I like it a lot. My husband Travis was like, "what is a blog"? I told him, "it is like a journal but on the computer, and it is really fun." I think I did pretty good on my first blog. Well, thanks for reading it. Have a good day.